Bereavement
By David the Dogman
We know - of course we know - that the life span of our dog is much shorter than our own. Over the years, we may share our home with many dogs. Each one will be special to us in his or her own unique way, and we knowingly have another dog knowing that in time we shall suffer again the pain of losing a treasured companion.
We may grieve for him for weeks, months, and even years. At the time each of us may feel isolated in our grief, but the feelings experienced when a dog dies are startlingly similar to those felt at the death of a human friend or relation. That realization may be hard to face, and we may be made to feel by those who do not share our love of dogs that we should feel less strongly. The fact is that generally we spend more time with our dog than we do with the very large majority of our human family and friends. Should it be surprising then to feel profound sorrow and to be aware of the sudden gap in our lives?
It is not unusual to be taken unawares by the strength of our reactions. Tears are a wholly natural expression of great joy or great sadness. Yet so often we are told that we must keep a stiff upper lip, be brave, anything in fact rather than show what we are feeling. Shock, grief, anger and feelings of guilt may be experienced, some more deeply and longer lasting than others. We may punish ourselves for having brought about the last act of love in asking for euthanasia, even though we know that our dog was terminally ill and suffering. Sometimes there is a short period in which it is impossible to accept that death has taken place. It is easy to direct anger at ourselves even when we know that everything possible was done, thinking "I should have done more."
Anger may be directed at the person or object thought responsible for an accidental death, or the vet who gives our dog a gentle and peaceful ending. Newly bereaved owners sometimes speak of a dreamlike feeling from which they struggle to escape, or speak of being in the midst of a nightmare from which we will soon wake. Some will speak of feeling the presence of the dog in the house, hearing the click of his claws or his soft breathing. This sense of presence is one that many owners mention. When newly bereaved we may feel incredibly lonely, even when surrounded by family and friends. There is a strong sense that no one understands how we are feeling, and this may be even stronger if friends suggest the immediate purchase of a new puppy. This well-meaning suggestion may well cause animosity and friction. Often there is a deep need to speak of our dog, to reminisce, and to remember and the suggestion that his place can be so easily filled is painful. There will be far reaching changes in our lives if the dog is the only one we have. If we live alone and have relied on our dog for company and protection there may be a natural feeling of anxiety. There may be some physical signs of our distress - difficulty in sleeping, little desire for food, and sometimes headaches and stomach pains. The daily routine of feeding, grooming and exercise is lost, and for a time this space may be hard to fill. Saddest of all, perhaps, is the lack of excited greeting when we return home from even the shortest of absences.
Just how long we grieve depends a great deal on the strength of feeling we have for our dog. It is possible to feel more for one than another, and this too may engender guilt. It is a fact of life that we like, love, or care for one person more than another. It is wholly normal, therefore, to have different strengths of feeling for our dogs. Family and friends may suggest that having several dogs at the same time will make it easier to bear the loss of one. But because we value each as an individual and recognize its different qualities and appeal, we are saddened by the loss of each one. Owning several does not seem to make the emotional readjustment any shorter or less painful. Eventually we will reach the stage of acceptance, the first step on the road to recovering from the pain and distress. Just how long it takes for any one person to reach this stage is wholly individual as is every aspect of grieving, and the path to this point will also be different for each of us. But at some stage, we will begin to recall happy memories, the comical incidents and the individual characteristics of the dog which made it important to us. In the months ahead, there will be moments still when the loss brings a fleeting sadness, but the time to grieve is passing. This too is natural, and in the years ahead we will remember with increasing pleasure the special relationship we shared with that particular dog.
By David the Dogman